I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
