I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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