dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Pooping to opera.
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