Pants 0. Shit 1.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
