I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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