Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
