I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
