it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
