I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
