what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just had sex on a roof
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
