last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
