I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
