can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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