Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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