i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
