I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
