I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i will never coherently bang her
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
