wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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