I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
