you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
