Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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