I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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