I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
