if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
someone threw a dead crab at me
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
