if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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