dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
