Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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