I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
