my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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