Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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