how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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