I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
