Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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