My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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