Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
