Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
