already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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