it hurts more in the daytime
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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