Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
