p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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