so that wasnt chicken after all
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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