The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
