U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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