my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
