I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
