I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
