I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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