You really coming over, don't trick.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
farters have to be the big spoon...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
