I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
no, he came in my armpit
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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