I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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