I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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