it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
