There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
