I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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