he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
