cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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