Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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