Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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