Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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