So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
