party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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