Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
