Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
