Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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