I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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