I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
